Rubber Suit Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Movie.

Recently I had a chance to go back and watch that old live action Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie that came out in the 90’s. I had fond memories of that movie, of when I was young and impressionable, and when the Turtles were the coolest thing ever.

Some movies age like fine wine. I can go back and watch movies like Ghostbusters, Back to the Future, Star Wars, Temple of Doom, Big Trouble in Little China, and Aliens, and find even more to like about those movies than I did when I would sit wide-eyed in front of the television set, reciting the movie line by line, never missing a beat.

But the rubber suit Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Movie, dear readers, is not one of these films. I felt depressed, annoyed, insulted, and embarassed for actually liking this movie at one time. This is an awful, awful film. This is one of those movies that seems so much smaller, simpler, and derivative through 27 year old eyes.

There are a couple glimmering lights of hope in this movie, like Elias Koteas who played Casey Jones in a slightly over-the-top but humorous performance (he would later go on to play one of the cops in Zodiac, one of the best films of this year), and Sam Rockwell, not necessarily because he has such a great role in this movie but he immediately makes me think of the sublime silliness of Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, where he plays the endlessly entertaining Zaphod Beeblebrox, and I’m instantly transported to a happier place.

The rest of the movie is just terrible. Those awkward little scenes with Splinter the Puppet trying to resemble something more lifelike than a ventriloquist’s dummy. The clunky, cliched, trite dialog. The see-through plot. The amateur-hour costumes that Shredder and the Foot Clan wear. Shredder’s obviously overdubbed and oversampled voice. April O’Neil that looks more like a frazzled substitute gradeschool teacher. The interchangeable personalities of three of the four turtles (Raphael is the only one given more than one dimension, and even then he’s generalized and shallow). And those silly, silly fight scenes that are shamed by more capable martial arts movies… especially the last fight scene where Shredder basically throws each turtle aside one by one as they come at him. And the final showdown between Shredder and Splinter, which has all the dignity and mastery of a Three Stooges sketch.

This movie was so obviously a marketing tie-in, thrown together on a budget that was 90% spent on the turtle costumes and financed by Domino’s product placement.

I can’t believe I liked this movie way back then. I guess some memories are better left alone.